How Did I Become A Boudoir Photographer?
I actually get asked this question A LOT.
When I was in high school, I thought I wanted to be an artist that sold prints of things I found beautiful in nature. I had already spent several years with a camera and video recorder in hand. Things didn't really work out that way as I actually became pregnant before I graduated high school. My home life was really rocky with my mother, on my 18 birthday I was kicked out (summertime). I had one more year of high school my senior year.
I spent a few months being homeless until an elderly couple took pity on me because school was coming and I needed to graduate, I needed some internet and a place close to my job (Waffle House). My boyfriend at the time and I barely moved in and found out we were pregnant just before winter hit.
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My life as a child was horrible, the shame, guilt, and abuse only ever ended when I got to be with my granny. I never felt pretty and was never loved on or held, instead, I was made fun of for my looks, my size, and my paleness, and anytime I did something wrong - my ass felt it for days.
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The boyfriend I mentioned above gave me two wonderful children and more abuse. During these times I lost photography. I lost compassion and self-love.
Flash forward a few years, I had my third child, got married and divorced in a 9 month time span, and years of struggling to figure out where I went bad at.
After months of being divorced - I ran across Ryan, my husband, again and we started dating.
He pulled me out of the broken person I had become. He made me want to be normal and nice. He has helped me get passed my insecurities and sat with all the 1000 different versions of myself as I grew. He gives me space and support to grow and learn.
He loves my art and loves how I want to help - even though sometimes my old childhood traumas kick up dust. He never doubts me, never lets me stop, and always has been my biggest fan.
He got me 8 years ago to pick up my camera again (2016).
I spent 1 year photographing every portrait-type session I could get people to show up to.
I found a man that offered boudoir in Toledo Ohio and went to have a consultation done to get Ryan photos of me, while I was at my heaviest weight 215. I actually didn't do the shoot, I left there in tears. He had no women my size for reference photos, he wanted to cake makeup on my face and hide my freckles, and he didn't like any of the shots I wanted for myself. He made me feel like my childhood self, fat, ugly, unworthy, and not normal.
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So I told Ryan I want to do what he does but better. I want everyone to be able to come to me and express who they are not what I want them to be. I wanna be a safe space.
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For the last 8 years, I have cried. I have tried to give up. I cried until I have thrown up. But I am still here, thriving, helping people realize - like me - they are worthy just because you are
My Name is Ash and I am your Ohio Goth Photographer, Coach, Friend, Guide, and biggest hype girl.